It is said, “It is more blessed to give than receive.” But most people don’t fully understand why. They think it’s about the blessing of being in the position of having enough to be able to give. But that is only half the story.

Many times, we don’t understand how humbling it often is for people to be in the position of the one who receives, especially when it is out of need. Such receivers are typically grateful — often moved to tears — but that gratitude is sometimes co-mingled with shame and embarrassment over their inability to fulfill their own needs. That is part of the real blessing of the giver — not having to feel the emotions of the one who receives.

The principle of sowing and reaping is universal, as is Karma. More important to grasp, however, is that we give, not to guarantee that we will receive in return. That is self-serving, not genuine kindness. The best giving is rooted in pure empathy — the ability of one’s heart to see through the eyes of another — and a commitment to leave people and situations better than we found them without any expectation of reciprocity or reward. Giving in such a manner also leaves no room for disappointment.

The most “blessed” giver is the one who can discharge kindness and charity without fanfare and who gives with the kind of genuine humility that preserves the dignity of the receiver. Usually, that kind of giver is one who has been in the position of the receiver.

What prompts this post? It’s a new year and a new decade and, in the prevailing spirit of acquiring “20-20 vision in 2020,” it is a reminder, if only to me, that the changes we aspire to make begin on the inside. I find the “humble brag” irksome. But it is an art form that we have seemingly mastered in the age of social media, especially when it comes to charity. Moreover, it is morphing as it gains momentum, becoming increasingly distasteful.

One of the more odious examples was a video posted to Facebook about a $300 tip being given to a restaurant server. Most commenters lauded the family’s generosity. But I found it disturbing. Did the family gain the server’s permission to put his circumstances on blast? Were people motivated thereafter to give to others for the right reasons? Was the motive in posting the video really about helping the server, or was it merely self-serving? The ostentatious braggadocio — in God’s name, no less — turned me off faster that Usain Bolt could finish a 100-meter sprint.

We’re seeing this type of activity a lot more on FB and Instagram through individual posts. We see mission trips that extoll individual efforts and it almost feels churlish not to mimic endorsements of praise. The humble brag is evident even in donations made to GoFundMe campaigns. There’s an anonymous option to donate, but how many actually exercise that option? One could say that names serve as a record for the beneficiary to know who to thank. My point exactly. And about that favorite charity you want others to donate to for your birthday in lieu of gifts. How much of your own funds — or service — did you give to that charity or organization without fanfare?

This is not to say that certain causes do not deserve the spotlight that social media can provide. But is there an art of giving?

Moses ben Maimon — more commonly known as Maimonides or by the acronym Rambam,  one of the most prolific and influential Torah scholars who wrote a code of Jewish law, the Mishnah Torah, based on the Rabbinic oral tradition — suggests that all giving is not equal; that the motivation behind the gift matters morally; that people give for lots of reasons, many laudable, some depraved. Maimonides ranked charity — “tzedakah” in Hebrew — from the least to the most honorable:

“8. When donations are given grudgingly.

7. When one gives less than he should, but does so cheerfully.

6. When one gives directly to the poor upon being asked.

5. When one gives directly to the poor without being asked.

4. When the recipient is aware of the donor’s identity, but the donor does not know the identity of the recipient.

3. When the donor is aware of the recipient’s identity, but the recipient is unaware of the source.

2. When the donor and recipient are unknown to each other.

1. When charity is extended to help sustain a person before they become impoverished by offering a substantial gift in a dignified manner, or by extending a suitable loan, or by helping them find employment or establish themselves in business so as to make it unnecessary for them to become dependent on others.”

Undoubtedly, there are times when the scale of social activism makes it nearly impossible to give anonymously. Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, have made philanthropy, especially in Africa, their life’s work through their foundation. By example, they have inspired other billionaires like Warren Buffet to follow suit. A name on the wing of a hospital can serve as a memorial to honor an endowment from a benefactor posthumously. Organizations with 501(c) status may also need to demonstrate clear accountability with funds raised. 

Think about these issues as you seek opportunities to serve and give this year. And remember, even the proudest peacock doesn’t spread his tail feathers merely to show off; he’s actually seeking a mate.

What’s your motive?


⁠⁠© Donna Kassin 2022.
All Rights Reserved.

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