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This past week, I saw yet another meme on Facebook articulating a prevailing viewpoint:
“I know people who graduated college at 21 and didn’t get a salary job until they were 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren’t together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they are not. They’re living according to the pace of their clock. So be patient. You’re not falling behind; it’s just not your time.”
That sounds reasonable enough, yes? However, such seemingly profound statements that leave most people nodding in agreement always give me pause. This one, in particular, made me wonder if too many of us comfort ourselves with the (false) notion that all we need to be is “patient” and soon enough, voilà, “time” will somehow manifest this inevitable list of milestones.
But what if the Universe has other plans for our lives — plans that do not involve college at all, or salaried jobs, or marriage and babies and the rest of the usual things we are groomed to think we must have? Will that mean we won’t be fulfilled or successful?
Was Bob Marley successful? His music and wisdom have touched the world, yet his only formal education was at the elementary school level. What about Bill Gates — the richest man in the world and, perhaps, its greatest philanthropist? He dropped out of Harvard in 1975 to co-found Microsoft, which ultimately re-engineered our lives through our relationship with computers. What about Mother Theresa — was she successful? She was unmarried with no children, yet she is world-renowned for her acts of charity to people dying of HIV/AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis. What about Oprah Winfrey? She has no biological children, yet she is “Mama O” to thousands of girls originating from remote regions of South Africa — academically gifted girls from impoverished backgrounds who would not have otherwise had the privilege of a high school education, much less college in America or being mentored by one of the most widely recognized sages of our time. The list could go on of people who took the paths less beaten to achieve great things.
Indeed, we shouldn’t be looking into other people’s lanes to assess whether we are still “on track” to receive what they have. The point is, we may not even be going that way!
College, marriage and child-bearing are not entitlements just for living. Some people get sick or die prematurely. Others end up adopting babies — or puppies — or loving children through foster care. Others find deep fulfillment in showing love tangibly to those in need or at risk — battered women, teenage runaways and the homeless. Still others find their passion exploring rain forests and oceans, unearthing artifacts, and going on adventures the rest of us poor slobs could only dream about.
Have you heard the parable about the monkey with the banana?
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“There’s a steel box with a hole and a tasty banana inside. The hole is just large enough for a monkey to slip its hand in and out. If the monkey reaches inside and grabs the banana, he won’t be able to pull its hand out with the banana. What should the monkey do? Keep the banana but never eat it because it will always be in the box, while also risking capture by other predators? Or choose to let go of the banana, realizing there are probably lots more easily reachable bananas out there?”
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No one knows for sure what that banana meant to that monkey. But one thing is certain: The monkey that won’t let go of the banana is still hungry.
If we did all the studies and psychoanalyses of our relationship dynamics and aspirations, ultimately, we would find one thing at the root of our greatest disappointments and pain: EXPECTATIONS. Moreover, those expectations are not always our own. From we are young, we are taught to live up to the expectations that others have set for us — the expectations of our parents, for example, for all the sacrifices they made and invested into our lives. We must do well in school and accomplish noteworthy things for which they would be proud and think of us as “successful.” We must even produce grandchildren on demand — no pressure there, of course. And what about the pressure to marry, or to offer a proposal of marriage after X amount of time?
In the end, though, to find fulfillment in our lives, we must choose to let go of such expectations and the “bananas” that we have set our sights upon. Some of us have them clutched so tightly in our grasp that we’re unable to catch the real blessings and opportunities that are raining down upon us. Perhaps, the “pace of our clocks” will quicken when we begin to see such enticements as mere appetizers for the kind of life that is possible. For sure, the Universe will never manifest the main entrée until we let go of the limits to our potential.
All said and done, all that we’re required to do is the best we can with what we’re given; to keep trying as long as we breathe. From the day we were born, our train left the station on its way to Destiny. It is only hindsight that will tell us how all the stops contributed to our entire view.
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