NOTE: Contrary to prevailing thought, it is not solely men who are “emotionally unavailable.” It is an equal-opportunity condition, triggered in response to unresolved psychological trauma. Therefore, please feel free to use “men” and “women” and their corresponding pronouns interchangeably, where appropriate.
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Sometimes, there’s a lot going on — we’re busy or simply need personal space. However, when “personal space” becomes a season for someone with whom we’re having an intimate relationship, we may want to consider whether that person is emotionally unavailable. What’s more, it may be time to reconcile that the person we love may never be ready for a committed relationship — at least, not with us.
Most women understand the code. We see the wedding ring and we know the man is, well, unavailable. Nobody taught us about the other kind of unavailable man. As women, we see the guy; he is educated, employed, handsome, possesses great taste, dresses well, is a generally decent human being, and he is single and, to our detriment, we automatically assume he is on the market. But this is an absolute fallacy.
I don’t think women even listen most times when a man tells them that he’s not ready for a relationship. What they hear is, “Before me — you weren’t ready, before me.” Which can be quite problematic. Because men can sometimes be very singular. They want to focus on their career, individual pursuits, or family obligations without emotional encumbrances. Other times, men know they’re not mature enough for the commitment of a real relationship. Or they’re not over their last. They know.
Women, on the other hand, are seemingly drawn to potential. They’re the “fixers” — hardwired, some would say, to be caregivers and nurturers. Obviously, there are exceptions. But I don’t think our social and cultural conditioning has prepared most women to understand “emotional unavailability.”
What’s more, society tells us to judge people by their actions, and therein lies the rub. Because an emotionally unavailable guy isn’t necessarily a cad. Otherwise, why would we be interested? No. In this guy’s mind, he’s communicated clearly to you his intentions. He’s not interested in anything serious. And indeed, if you’ve dived headlong into the relationship, to him, that’s a green light — you understand the rules of engagement.
So, let’s get real. If that is not what you’re looking for, move along. Save yourself a world of hurt. Because the emotionally unavailable man will play, will take, be charming, and treat you right — at his convenience. Indeed, if you’re secretly hoping for more, you’re ignoring a huge red flag. Which inevitably means, you’ll be frustrated and confused, constantly looking for proof of love. Like Sherlock Holmes.
You’ll also lose the endgame.
Most times, when an emotionally unavailable man works through that phase, it will usually be with someone else. Why? Because, in his mind, why would he give you more, when you’ve already settled for so much less? He knows value when he sees it. So should you.
I don’t think a day passes on social media without some trite little gem on my timeline extolling, “Actions speak louder than words.” Usually, it is a virtual, passive-aggressive rock being hurled into the proverbial pig pen, allegedly at no one in particular. Which may be so — the first time. When such posts become a pattern, however, someone is exorcising pain and, yes, somebody is being put on notice.
As in:
“If you’re not worth his time at two in the afternoon, then he’s not worth yours at two in the morning.”
Okay then.
I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. But, typically, somebody is not returning phone calls or text messages as quickly as someone thinks they could. Somebody is not being as present in a relationship as someone hopes they would. And yes, somebody’s actions are not aligning the way someone believes they should.
In the majority of these cases, I could almost guarantee that, somewhere in the mix, is an “emotionally unavailable” person and someone who’s completely confused by their actions. For example, a man who’s told a woman from the get-go that he’s not ready for a relationship but who has taken the benefits extended. It’s not the most gentlemanly thing to do. But an emotionally unavailable man still has physical needs, and the woman is not being coerced. After a few rolls in the hay, the relationship lines get blurry — and complicated.
So, whose fault is that really?
When a complete douche treats a woman like trash, but tells her that he loves her, should she ignore his actions and fall in love with his words? I would hope not. Likewise, when a man treats a woman well, but tells her he’s not ready for a committed relationship, she should not ignore his words and use his actions as the sole filter for their subsequent interactions.
Wouldn’t such a man be right to say that the woman heard what she wanted to hear? That he was honest and up-front at the outset of the relationship? Eventually, we all have to own our shit.
At the end of the day, a man cannot take what isn’t offered, and a woman shouldn’t assume what isn’t explicitly said. Actions, they say, do speak louder than words. But what exactly are those actions saying? When a man tells you that he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him. The. First. Time.
Women who continue with men, who give them mixed signals and are unwilling to commit, need to understand that such men rarely end up with them. Indeed, here’s one of the best explanations I’ve heard, straight from the horse’s mouth:
“Despite our strict adherence to logic and reason, and despite our perceived dominion over our feelings, the how and why or when we snap out of our emotional unavailability is often completely out of our control. It just happens. And when it does happen, we very rarely end up spending our lives with the woman who loved us throughout our stretch of unavailability. Nope, much to the collective chagrin of women who consistently love unavailable men, we snap out of it and run straight to a new chick. You want to know why don’t you? It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you. No matter how much we want to, we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything. We need to be challenged, we need to know that you’ll accept nothing less than everything. We need to believe that twenty, thirty, forty years from now we’ll still be compelled to be the best man we can possibly be by the simple act of you allowing us to continue to be in your presence.”
Essentially, this is about respect — the language men speak, the intangible they crave the most. It is the basis of their honor code.
So, yes, in relationships like these, men are honoring themselves, their desires, and their will to be ready for an emotional commitment on their timeline.
So should you. With someone who is ready.
© 2016 Donna Kassin.
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