Earlier this week, a Facebook friend posted a picture of a birthday gift she received from her adorable 7-year-old son, an avid collector of stuffed animals. The gift? What else? A cute little stuffed animal, which subsequently made its way with the rest of the family to iHop for a birthday breakfast. Her son was thrilled — for her, she said. 

It was a beautiful Facebook post. Yet it gave me pause. If memory serves me correctly, it was not the first such gift my friend had received from her son. This time, I felt compelled to respond, “Methinks your husband should have a word with your son about ‘love languages’… you know, man to man.” 

To my surprise, my friend responded, “What is this love language thing?”

By way of explanation, I inboxed her the link to a previous article I had written on this subject with a little note, “Obviously, this is not for your son, but it will help to give context. Hope you don’t mind. But training starts early. And you do such a terrific job.” 

Indeed, my friend, a doctor, is a doting mom. Her posts are wonderfully vulnerable and a bright spot on my timeline. It is clear that she and her husband are doing a lot right in raising their two kids.

Our brief interaction, however, raised awareness for me that this concept of love languages may not have transcended to the post-Oprah generation. No doubt, we’ve had a lot on our collective plate. Racially profiled shootings by law enforcement officers that inspired the Black Lives Matter movement. High-profile rape and sexual harassment cases that inspired the Me-Too movement. Constitutional challenges to women’s rights, voting rights, and civil rights. Russian interference in American politics to destabilize our elections and enable the spread of disinformation. A four-year political upheaval that ended with a “Big Lie” attempt to overthrow a duly elected government of the United States in a violent insurrection at the Capitol. Mass shootings with assault weapons in our schools, churches, movie theaters and supermarkets. Ain’t nobody had time for anything else.

Nevertheless, we cannot allow something so vital to the success of our children’s personal relationships to fall by the wayside. For sure, this simple concept could spare them a lifetime of frustration — showing love in ways that may not have the desired effect. A lifetime of being misunderstood — lost in translation. Family courts are filled with the human collateral damage.

Wherever we go in this world, people hear and understand what is being communicated in their language. It is no different in the realm of close personal and intimate relationships. 

When children are very young, inevitably, we will witness them offering someone a toy or prized possession, if only for a little while, to show their love and approval. It’s a sign of trust; trust that the person will give it back on demand. As parents, typically, we are thrilled to see that shift from the it’s-all-about-me toddler phase. As they get older, however, it is important to teach them that, to show love, start by thinking about how best their person feels loved. 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages:

• Words of affirmation— Complimenting and showing verbal appreciation to other people.
• Acts of service — Using actions to speak louder than words.
• Receiving gifts — Getting heartfelt gifts that matter and make someone feel seen and heard.
• Quality time — Giving your undivided attention with regularity.
• Physical touch —Communicating deeply through appropriate physical touch.

How best do you feel loved? 

It may be through one of the five love languages, or a combination thereof. But more importantly, does your child or partner grasp how it makes you feel when they take out the trash or make dinner without complaint? Or wash and fill up your car without being asked? Or about a “Netflix and chill” weekend without active interaction on the things that matter and may not spell “quality time” to you? Or that tacitly transactional foot rub as foreplay for sex? Or that a little tenderness — with a glass of wine and music—is like water being poured on scorched earth after a challenging day?

The love language concept is one of those areas upon which the social sciences have shed much light.  

After 35,000 interviews in her career — presidents included — Oprah Winfrey once declared that, in every exchange, every human interaction, there’s really only one common denominator in our human experience: We want to be validated; we want to be understood. In every encounter, Oprah says, what people want to know is: Did I do okay? Did you hear me? Did you see me? Did what I said mean anything to you?

Indeed, that need for validation begins early and seemingly never stops. From the preschooler who calls out from the sandbox, “Dad, look what I’ve made!” to the fully-grown adult who gets on a plane and rushes across the country in hope of a word of love or praise at their father’s deathbed, there is something vital to our sense of self in being seen and heard, especially by those we love.

In the busyness of life, in the pursuit of our own happiness and dreams, we can sometimes miss the cues seeking validation, that support, that approval — even more so if we don’t understand the language in which our beloveds “hear” love.

A few years ago, in fact, this resonated with me in a profound way through an elucidating encounter with one of my daughters, and let’s just say I was enlightened. I could not even comprehend why she would sometimes feel unloved. There has been no sacrifice too great. No mountain too high to climb for her. Yet, somehow, I had missed the cue that, what she wanted most, was to spend uninterrupted quality time with me. No phones. No distractions. Just time to talk, or do something together. Indeed, it confirmed how important these truths are, not simply in our intimate relationships. Despite their seeming independence and confidence, our grown children still look backward for parental approval and blessing, and to feel loved.

So, let’s get those wires uncrossed and be open to communicate exactly what we need and to lovingly receive it when it is offered. Love is too important a language for us to be misunderstood.